Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
