The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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