my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
