Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize