The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize