Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You can't just leave with hair like that
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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