Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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