Just cropdusted the office
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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