Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
