At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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