do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
