Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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