Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
