Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize