Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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