I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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