thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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