why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
