omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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