we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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