Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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