I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize