I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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