I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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