You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
