I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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