Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
