dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
