your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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