i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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