Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Randomize
