seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
