im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
