I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
