watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
