thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
