He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
dude. I can hear the air.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
