So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
