If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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