I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
