The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
