My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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