6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
