Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
