3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
