The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
