those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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