I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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