did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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