What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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