There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
