if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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