I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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