Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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