Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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