Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
