So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
