Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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